first post.

I've been thinking of starting a public blog centered around healing for several months now. What's stopped me, you ask? Fear. Fear of documenting this process. Fear of being judged. Fear of not getting better. Fear of looking myself in the face with no masks on. Fear of my ugly, because we all have it. But fear's been ruling too much of my life lately. So here I am. Stripped and scared and without answers, but here. Willing to do the work, and hoping maybe someone out there will bear witness, weather the storm of their own healing alongside me.

Here's what I know about healing: Healing is catastrophic. It is terrifying. It is the eye of the hurricane unleashed. It is you, alone with every cackling inner demon, your betraying body, your hopelessness, the small scared child of you sucking her thumb in the corner of her bedroom. It is every thought you hate to admit. It is your face in the mirror after no sleep, makeupless, haggard, lit under bad fluorescent.

But sometimes, too, healing is a winding dirt road you'd never have otherwise found. There are dandelion heads the size of clouds on each side. There is sunlight and the landscape is breathtaking, when you can see it peeking through the hail sheets. Healing is a journey unlike any other. Most of us don't choose it, are thrown like ragdolls into its path. But once we're there, we navigate a new world, an Oz of sorts. No matter how much we long for our old selves, we'll never be the same. We can't go back. But maybe, just maybe, we'll come out the other side better than we ever thought possible. And maybe the journey itself is the most important part.
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I'm not sure how frequently I'll update this blog, but I intend it to serve as documentation of the dull and radiant little hurricane road I've come to know as my life. As background information, I'm 30 years old and healing from a near-lifelong, severe case of late-stage Lyme disease and coinfections. I'm also about to embark on addressing my PTSD, which is intense and seemingly intractable, and related to the trials and tribulations of living with this misunderstood illness for so long.

I'm honored you're here. Thank you for reading.
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addendum: This is my Lyme story, originally written anonymously but which I'm beginning to feel more comfortable sharing with the world. What I experienced might sound extreme, but there are thousands, millions of stories just like mine. The intention of this blog is not to educate you on Lyme disease, but perhaps my story will inspire you to do your own research. Mostly I'm sharing the link here as a starting point. This is where I've been. Now, to where I'm going.